"Jeg følte som et pust af vemod
* from the text to the painting "Scream" by Edvard Munch"
19:52 & 19.06.02
There's a wider gap between Craig and me than just the physical distance. It scares me. I couldn't do it. I tried, but I am not comfortable with his ex being such a big thing in our relationship now. - And us not being able to talk about it.
I know that I am not really ready for a relationship, but... I really want this. I've ordered and paid the tickets and everything. I can still change the destination.
We agreed to not talk for a couple of days or something (that he would call me when he wanted to. I guess that is a couple of days.). I don't manage to be rational when it comes to his ex. It's not jealousy, it's insecurity. The worst part is that we misunderstand each other all the time. He twists my words and I probably twist his.
The nice thing that has happened is that we won the Egypt trip at work (the dress competition). Elin called us and I was the first to know. I had such a balloon head afterwards. Ingvild wants Jun to come along with us. On one hand, I think it might be an opportunity to become friends with Jun (other than that we are able to work and be polite to each other and shop together). On the other hand, I could just give my ticket to Jun, and stay at home and work. I don't want to feel excluded by Jun when it is the prize that we have really deserved... I have sold most dresses and should be able to go, but... I don't know. We'll see.
Another good thing is that I bought another pair of Bianco shoes. The shoes look a lot better in reality. I bought a blue purse to match along with denim and the shoes (of course) etc. I also bought a black shawl from Fransa which I hope look good. I had a customer that bought one for one of our dresses, so. I went to Vero Moda too, because Craig has asked me to wear more "babe" clothes. I know one of the girls that work there, so I know she will give me her honest opinion. [I tried on a dress there, and my favorite bra got caught in the zipper so I had to cut it out. The bra, that is. Embarassing]. I bought a pink blouse that had a very, very low cut. Very Jennifer Lopez. Even though my breasts are size extra tiny, even I got breasts and they got that push up look. - Even without a bra on! I also bought a pair of pink "pirat pants". (For separate use). I am going to buy a pink little purse as well, same as the blue one. I got a thing for pink these days. I also bought our campaign dress (finally)! I feel a tad better already. Shopping heals a sore heart.
I am a bit afraid that this relationship will end up like the one with Håvard. We didn't manage to be friends and I was scared of him [it ended up being a very sexual relationship]. I am scared of Craig as well, at least right now. I wish I could feel close to him. And that we could talk about other things than just sex [I don't mind talking about sex (I love it), but I wish there were more topics that we could talk about].
[If I am not ready for a relationship, but I want to be in one and I love Craig so dearly. I know I cannot just decide that "I am ready", (can't push that). Does that mean that I can not be in one? Does that mean I should let go?]
To Craig.