"There's this pain in my heart"
18:39 & 21.05.02
I wrote here earlier today. I deleted it. Craig might misunderstand what I had written. Perhaps he read it along with my e - mail, which he wasn't very happy about. I understand. But he said he felt I toyed around with him (I guess these past days) and if he still feels that way I can't be with him. I can't hurt someone that I love so much.
Still I am lying to Craig if I am saying that I am not charmed by Mr. Nameless' interest in me. And his offer of friendship no matter what happens. He acts very understanding and safe. But I understand (a little at least) Craig, I would probably feel the same way. But I am so terrified of hurting people, that I probably hurt more when trying not to. And then I try to think of myself in all this. What do I really want? Last time I talked with him, I felt like I had to defend myself.
Honestly, as long as I feel safe and not threatened (independent) that is not so important. I know that Craig feels threatened by my confusion (and Mr. Nameless).
I know that psychiatrist would say, "what do you want?". And then follow my heart.
Excerpt of mail to Craig:
I tried to 'get rid of' Mr. Nameless (he doesn't want you to know his name... I don't know why) yesterday. And that wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I don't understand that when I turn guys down it seems
like they want me more. From what he had told me earlier he would have dropped me just like that, after I told him about you.
I ended up spending some of the day with him yesterday. The weather was really nice so we went for walks in a sort of forrest park and we went to a beach to see the ocean that I love so much. Most of the time, I was thinking if I could really leave all this. And most of the time I sense no. Not because of this guy, but it will be so far from home.
I am a little confused emotional - wise. But I have my exam tomorrow, and I feel really bad because I know this mail will hurt you, and I really don't want to do that.